My son has reached the age where he wants to play with every other kid on the playground. Most of the time this goes pretty well, but every few days he also runs up to me with a dejected look, saying something like, “They didn’t want to play with me.” Inevitably, the question I ask in response is, “Okay, did you ask them to play with you?” He usually doesn’t even answer, but just runs back to make the request. Even when the kid says no, my son seems happier about the situation.
“Have you asked?” is one of the most frequent questions I ask clients and colleagues who are navigating professional transitions or the internal politics of organizations. There are lots of variations on it like, “Have you expressed your concerns?” or “Have you made your needs known?” or “Are they aware of how this problem looks from your perspective?” It seems that there is something in human nature that makes us build a wall around our own vulnerability, no matter how many times we’ve seen how those walls hurt other people. We all suck at this, and I’m no exception.
One of my favorite “wow I have a toddler” moments with my son was when he asked me, “Daddy, will you go ask the mamas and dadas to play with you?” (He was trying to indicate the other parents at the park, not the 60s pop group, though he does like “California Dreamin.’”) Of course I never had. I usually limit my interaction with other parents to knowing smiles or half-baked witty remarks. Someone always has to say, “Wow, if we could bottle that energy.” But I never rise to the same standard I laid out for my son: “Will you play with me?” Or even: “Would you like your son to play with my son?” I’m only just now starting to try.
The same goes for my professional practice. A few months ago, I launched my new website focused on my coaching practice. I’ve gotten great feedback on it and it has started some promising conversations about new projects. But at the same time, I feel like I have still been shy about making the ask I encourage so many other people to make. I’m not asking enough people, “How can I help you?” Specifically, I don’t think I’m working hard enough to ask my network who else in their world might need what I’ve got.
To some extent, that relies on laying out who I’m looking for. Who needs executive coaching for social impact? I see three main groups:
1. Anyone who is starting something new with a “change the world” goal. Whether it’s a nonprofit, an awareness campaign, or a social enterprise, holding on to the greater social vision can be a difficult thing to do without support. There’s nothing I love more than being a coach to this kind of effort.
2. People who are navigating the politics of change in established organizations. This is true whether they are instigating the change or responding to it. Fields I know well like philanthropy, healthcare, and education are full of turbulence right now, and many people need an outside perspective on internal politics.
3. Changemakers who have hit a wall. One of the benefits of reaching the age of parenting is it has become more clear to me that even when you are highly skilled and highly prepared, you don’t always win. And that can hurt more deeply than we let on. I’ve helped many people who feel they have run out of motivation and ideas get back on track.
Those are the games I’m asking to play on this playground. Maybe they aren’t the games you’re playing, but I bet you know somebody who’s got the right equipment and just needs a partner. Or maybe you’re not sure about any of that, but you figure it can’t hurt to connect us. As I keep telling my son and myself, it never hurts to ask.